Intimacy of the Mind

Now let’s get down to business (no pun intended). When I was about fifteen my grandmother and I were running errands and we started to have a conversation I was not expecting to have at that age. We talked about sex. I had taken the health class and saw the birthing video but that was pretty much it. I knew I needed to wait till I was married, pretty much because that was what I was told to do, I didn’t think much of it past that…

Well she asked me if I knew what sex was, I automatically became so embarrassed not only was I talking about something that I was told to never talk about, I was talking about IT with my grandma! I just said quietly “yeah”, or at least I thought I did but not completely, at least not the strategic. Like I said I knew the science of it, but I definitely did not understand how it worked completely.

She opened that communication for me by being open to talk about it, she asked if I had any questions and I asked simple things. Then she asked me if I knew the difference between sex and intimacy… and I just looked at her with a confused look. Wasn’t it the same thing?

Nope.

Sex is just the physical part… but intimacy is on a whole different level.

Intimacy is the emotional part; having a deep conversation between your partner, hugging after a long day because you want them to feel safe, kisses on the forehead, holding hands on a walk, etc. You get it, the intimacy doesn’t have to be in the bedroom, but it definitely enhances that experience.

Let’s look at it on a different level. We see often that women don’t feel comfortable reaching that level of physical affection until they feel “safe and have a connection” men however are the opposite, they feel a greater sense of connection and safety when they have sex with a woman. (WHAT A CONTRADICTION!) This is where communication comes in, greater communication equals greater intimacy. It is so important to have open communication about the challenges of sexual intimacy. Important things to talk about; frequency, what is acceptable/comfortable, response cycles, etc. It may be uncomfortable but as you open that path for communication it will become easier to discuss and bring up more conversations.

As you and your partner have open communication you will see that your sex life may change and evolve over time, but that communication will facilitate and strengthen the intimacy level in your marriage.

Finally, I would like to talk about waiting till marriage. At fifteen I didn’t understand how important it was, I thought it was just some outdated thing that we follow just to follow. I grew up watching movies and shows that didn’t give the best example, everyone was cohabitating which implied they were having sex outside of marriage. I thought it was normal, however I never paid attention to the issues in the relationships being shown. Sometimes in these programs you saw the difficulties of the relationship, the arguments and secrecy. Unfortunately, I thought that was normal as well. As I have grown and gained more life experience I see that, that is not the case.

We have so many studies that show the correlations of negative mental and physical effects that occur when having sexual relations outside of marriage. The more partners one has the harder it becomes to make a bond with one person. Being sexually physical with someone is very vulnerable and personal and you form attachments but when you are going from person to person you slowly give and give until you have very little to give. There is very little to build upon with trust and communication…

I will leave you with something my grandma said…

“When you have sex (outside of marriage) it’s a ‘wham bam thank you ma’am’ and there is no tie, it doesn’t matter if you stay or go… but when you wait for the right person at the right time, it is a beautiful experience of learning for both you and your loved one and when it’s over you cuddle and you know just how much that person loves you because you love that the same way. You get to wake up together and be together every day. It is so special.”