I Feel...

This week we are talking about communication, not my strong suit.

With permission from my roommate I will share this story.

A couple of weeks ago my roommate and I had a big argument. Here is some back story…

I have a sense of humor that is a bit different from most. I joke around a lot, especially with sarcasm. Sometimes it doesn’t sound like I’m joking. It is something that has been pointed out to me a few times and I have noticed it seems to be with different cultures not of my own. So, when I am at school and not with my close friends I try not to joke around because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. 

This semester I am living with one friend who has lived with me for four semesters, she and I are very sarcastic with each other. My other three roommates have shown discomfort so once again I try not to be sarcastic because they think I am being mean, when really, I am just sharing my humor.

So somewhere around the second week of the semester my roommate let’s call her Summer, had stayed out later than expected. We were all telling jokes and poking fun at the fact that Summer was late to come home. She apologized, and we told her that she truly didn’t need to worry, no one was going to get her into trouble and that she shouldn’t be concerned. She seemed to calm down and we continued to make jokes. Unfortunately, I had made a sarcastic comment that she did not take as a joke… I had no idea.

Fast forward to about the sixth week of the semester… Summer or other roommate and I were driving home from the market. As we drove home we talked about places we had been around our college town. Now I won’t share the details of this argument because I don’t think it is relevant… but we had some miscommunication and it resulted in Summer not talking to me all weekend.

At first, I was so angry because of what had happened. I was hurt and extremely confused, the disagreement happened so fast and I truly did not understand why she was upset or why she was upset for so long. Our other roommate (the one who was in the car with us) had gone out of town for the weekend and when she got back and saw that we had not worked things out she forced us to talk… This happened after she had shared with me new information. Information about Summer and things that she was upset about… I was so angry. These complaints were things I had no idea were even an issue. These complaints started from the second week of the semester from the joke I had made about her coming home late. I was so angry, and I told her (our roommate from the car) that I couldn’t talk to Summer because I needed to calm down first. I needed to collect my thoughts, in anger I would probably ruin all chances of friendship and mutual respect.

Summer came home from dinner with her family and asked if we could talk… I still wasn’t calm, but I didn’t want to ruin this chance. She was coming to me, and I wasn’t sure if that was ever going to happen again. So, I agreed…

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE!

From the moment she walked into the room I could feel her hostility toward me and I am sure she felt the same from me… It quickly turned into a who can yell louder, and I was so incredibly mean… She ran out of my room cursing my name and pointing fingers and slamming doors. She left the apartment and we were both sobbing.

I felt terrible. She felt terrible. It was a huge mess.

I went to my friend and roommate let’s call her Autumn. I told her all that had happened and all that was said. We went to the living room and I sent Summer a message, I apologized for how I had handled what I intended to be a discussion that quickly turned into a full-blown argument. I told her that I really did care about her and that if she wanted (on her own time, when she was comfortable) we could try again… She was not having it…

She came home a while later and we tried again. This time she talked directly to Autumn, while I just sat and listened. I felt sad and hurt because some of her complaints were directly towards me. When she was done sharing her thoughts Autumn asked me if I had anything more to say and I shared how I felt about what Summer had said, I started with “I feel…” and then she did, it went so well.

I won’t analyze what she did wrong or right, because it isn’t my job. I can not change her I can only change myself.

The obvious things I could have done differently; be more empathetic to her concerns and worries, treat her with respect, and shared my feelings and concerns if they were to come about.

Dr. David D. Burns shares in his book ‘Feeling Good Together’, ways to improve communication. One thing being the “EAR Checklist” (Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect)

1.       When you are Empathetic, you recognize and acknowledge the other persons feelings.

I didn’t do this… I didn’t recognize or acknowledge how Summer was feeling.

2.       Being Assertive means expressing how you feel. Not pointing fingers or yelling but saying directly how you feel. “I feel” sentences are so important.

When I was flustered I didn’t start with “I feel” I became defensive. All I cared about was being right, so I attacked with words. Certainly not my highest point.

3.       Respect. Showing you care, genuine care goes a long way.

Although she and I are somewhat past the argument stage. Our relationship is very different. If I am not carful and lose my self-awareness even for a moment I lose the respect aspect of this system. I can become very frustrated and sometimes annoyed.

I feel that for myself it is so important to be Empathetic because when you have that, the other two parts fall into place.