I Feel...

This week we are talking about communication, not my strong suit.

With permission from my roommate I will share this story.

A couple of weeks ago my roommate and I had a big argument. Here is some back story…

I have a sense of humor that is a bit different from most. I joke around a lot, especially with sarcasm. Sometimes it doesn’t sound like I’m joking. It is something that has been pointed out to me a few times and I have noticed it seems to be with different cultures not of my own. So, when I am at school and not with my close friends I try not to joke around because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. 

This semester I am living with one friend who has lived with me for four semesters, she and I are very sarcastic with each other. My other three roommates have shown discomfort so once again I try not to be sarcastic because they think I am being mean, when really, I am just sharing my humor.

So somewhere around the second week of the semester my roommate let’s call her Summer, had stayed out later than expected. We were all telling jokes and poking fun at the fact that Summer was late to come home. She apologized, and we told her that she truly didn’t need to worry, no one was going to get her into trouble and that she shouldn’t be concerned. She seemed to calm down and we continued to make jokes. Unfortunately, I had made a sarcastic comment that she did not take as a joke… I had no idea.

Fast forward to about the sixth week of the semester… Summer or other roommate and I were driving home from the market. As we drove home we talked about places we had been around our college town. Now I won’t share the details of this argument because I don’t think it is relevant… but we had some miscommunication and it resulted in Summer not talking to me all weekend.

At first, I was so angry because of what had happened. I was hurt and extremely confused, the disagreement happened so fast and I truly did not understand why she was upset or why she was upset for so long. Our other roommate (the one who was in the car with us) had gone out of town for the weekend and when she got back and saw that we had not worked things out she forced us to talk… This happened after she had shared with me new information. Information about Summer and things that she was upset about… I was so angry. These complaints were things I had no idea were even an issue. These complaints started from the second week of the semester from the joke I had made about her coming home late. I was so angry, and I told her (our roommate from the car) that I couldn’t talk to Summer because I needed to calm down first. I needed to collect my thoughts, in anger I would probably ruin all chances of friendship and mutual respect.

Summer came home from dinner with her family and asked if we could talk… I still wasn’t calm, but I didn’t want to ruin this chance. She was coming to me, and I wasn’t sure if that was ever going to happen again. So, I agreed…

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE!

From the moment she walked into the room I could feel her hostility toward me and I am sure she felt the same from me… It quickly turned into a who can yell louder, and I was so incredibly mean… She ran out of my room cursing my name and pointing fingers and slamming doors. She left the apartment and we were both sobbing.

I felt terrible. She felt terrible. It was a huge mess.

I went to my friend and roommate let’s call her Autumn. I told her all that had happened and all that was said. We went to the living room and I sent Summer a message, I apologized for how I had handled what I intended to be a discussion that quickly turned into a full-blown argument. I told her that I really did care about her and that if she wanted (on her own time, when she was comfortable) we could try again… She was not having it…

She came home a while later and we tried again. This time she talked directly to Autumn, while I just sat and listened. I felt sad and hurt because some of her complaints were directly towards me. When she was done sharing her thoughts Autumn asked me if I had anything more to say and I shared how I felt about what Summer had said, I started with “I feel…” and then she did, it went so well.

I won’t analyze what she did wrong or right, because it isn’t my job. I can not change her I can only change myself.

The obvious things I could have done differently; be more empathetic to her concerns and worries, treat her with respect, and shared my feelings and concerns if they were to come about.

Dr. David D. Burns shares in his book ‘Feeling Good Together’, ways to improve communication. One thing being the “EAR Checklist” (Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect)

1.       When you are Empathetic, you recognize and acknowledge the other persons feelings.

I didn’t do this… I didn’t recognize or acknowledge how Summer was feeling.

2.       Being Assertive means expressing how you feel. Not pointing fingers or yelling but saying directly how you feel. “I feel” sentences are so important.

When I was flustered I didn’t start with “I feel” I became defensive. All I cared about was being right, so I attacked with words. Certainly not my highest point.

3.       Respect. Showing you care, genuine care goes a long way.

Although she and I are somewhat past the argument stage. Our relationship is very different. If I am not carful and lose my self-awareness even for a moment I lose the respect aspect of this system. I can become very frustrated and sometimes annoyed.

I feel that for myself it is so important to be Empathetic because when you have that, the other two parts fall into place.

How My Thoughts Made All the Difference

Events do not create emotions; your thoughts create emotion. - M.Williams (my professor) 

This week in my family relations class we discussed family crisis and how events affect the family. It brought up a lot of hard memories that although they happened decades ago it has been difficult to truly let go of the pain that came with those events. When I was very young my parents divorced. Everyone thought I was too young to understand so there were never any real conversations about what was happening to my family. I have not talked to my biological father ever since. Emotionally my mother was not available. When all this happened I because very detached from my mother and became very attached to my grandmother, whom I still share a close bond with. Despite the attachment that was created between my grandmother and I, I still felt alone and lost and became very depressed.

Now this was a very difficult situation that required emotional intelligence that I truly did not possess. As I grew emotionally and after a slightly rude awakening from my grandmother I quickly learned that my attitude was controlling how I felt. Yes, the feelings I had were valid, there is no question in that, but I needed to decide if I was going to let this situation that I had no control of, control my life.

I remember saying to myself “You need stability, be your own stability.” My grandmother had just remarried so she was busy building and strengthening a relationship. I was left alone quite often, which only intensified my feelings. Being my own stability was what I used to survive for the time being. Time went on and I grew up, the relationship between my mother and I began to heal, and we became closer. I then had the stability I had always craved.

In reflection of my past I see that in the middle of the crisis my family retracted and avoided the situation. Theoretically we could say it was a cultural limitation, I am Mexican- American. In the Latin culture we often see ridicule for the expression of feelings. There can be deep shame of a failed marriage, as well as communication issues. When I told myself to be my own stability… that was just a Band-Aid that long term, if not corrected, could have been a fatality in all future relationships. The reproductions can still be seen but as the relationship between my mother and I continue to be strengthened through practiced communications the gaps close.

The event has gone and passed, but the emotions I carried for so many years have changed. Your attitude makes all the difference.

Intimacy of the Mind

Now let’s get down to business (no pun intended). When I was about fifteen my grandmother and I were running errands and we started to have a conversation I was not expecting to have at that age. We talked about sex. I had taken the health class and saw the birthing video but that was pretty much it. I knew I needed to wait till I was married, pretty much because that was what I was told to do, I didn’t think much of it past that…

Well she asked me if I knew what sex was, I automatically became so embarrassed not only was I talking about something that I was told to never talk about, I was talking about IT with my grandma! I just said quietly “yeah”, or at least I thought I did but not completely, at least not the strategic. Like I said I knew the science of it, but I definitely did not understand how it worked completely.

She opened that communication for me by being open to talk about it, she asked if I had any questions and I asked simple things. Then she asked me if I knew the difference between sex and intimacy… and I just looked at her with a confused look. Wasn’t it the same thing?

Nope.

Sex is just the physical part… but intimacy is on a whole different level.

Intimacy is the emotional part; having a deep conversation between your partner, hugging after a long day because you want them to feel safe, kisses on the forehead, holding hands on a walk, etc. You get it, the intimacy doesn’t have to be in the bedroom, but it definitely enhances that experience.

Let’s look at it on a different level. We see often that women don’t feel comfortable reaching that level of physical affection until they feel “safe and have a connection” men however are the opposite, they feel a greater sense of connection and safety when they have sex with a woman. (WHAT A CONTRADICTION!) This is where communication comes in, greater communication equals greater intimacy. It is so important to have open communication about the challenges of sexual intimacy. Important things to talk about; frequency, what is acceptable/comfortable, response cycles, etc. It may be uncomfortable but as you open that path for communication it will become easier to discuss and bring up more conversations.

As you and your partner have open communication you will see that your sex life may change and evolve over time, but that communication will facilitate and strengthen the intimacy level in your marriage.

Finally, I would like to talk about waiting till marriage. At fifteen I didn’t understand how important it was, I thought it was just some outdated thing that we follow just to follow. I grew up watching movies and shows that didn’t give the best example, everyone was cohabitating which implied they were having sex outside of marriage. I thought it was normal, however I never paid attention to the issues in the relationships being shown. Sometimes in these programs you saw the difficulties of the relationship, the arguments and secrecy. Unfortunately, I thought that was normal as well. As I have grown and gained more life experience I see that, that is not the case.

We have so many studies that show the correlations of negative mental and physical effects that occur when having sexual relations outside of marriage. The more partners one has the harder it becomes to make a bond with one person. Being sexually physical with someone is very vulnerable and personal and you form attachments but when you are going from person to person you slowly give and give until you have very little to give. There is very little to build upon with trust and communication…

I will leave you with something my grandma said…

“When you have sex (outside of marriage) it’s a ‘wham bam thank you ma’am’ and there is no tie, it doesn’t matter if you stay or go… but when you wait for the right person at the right time, it is a beautiful experience of learning for both you and your loved one and when it’s over you cuddle and you know just how much that person loves you because you love that the same way. You get to wake up together and be together every day. It is so special.”

The Base Makes the Friend

Just a couple days ago I spent about two hours on the phone with my grandmother and we discussed marriage and dating. My grandma and grandpa’s story start well before they were born, in Mexico. Both sides knew each other and grew up with each other. When my grandfather was six years old he and his family moved to the states, a couple of years later at six months old my grandmother came to the states with her family. They grew up apart until the ago of sixteen when they were reunited. From that ago to about eighteen they became best friends. During that time, they dated other people and even had a few relationships. When my grandmother was nineteen my grandfather realized just how cute my grandma really is, they started dating. A couple of years later they were sealed in the Los Angeles temple for all time and eternity. Despite many complications they were able to have two children. At the age of thirty-two my grandmother lost her best friend. My grandfather passed away.

Almost ten years later my grandmother met her second husband. A couple years of dating later they were married. I was three.

To me the most beautiful thing about her relationships were the friendships that were the base. The importance of having the right base is so crucial. When Jonathan and I started dating is was purely physical. We both quickly said, “I love you”, and spent every second on the phone talking about things that didn’t really matter. It was terrible. I was convinced that it was meant to be. It wasn’t till we realized we really didn’t know anything about each other, that we realized we didn’t love another… we loved being together physically… a terrible combination.

Before I came to college we had a serious talk about what we wanted to do with our relationship. Did we want to continue? Did we want to date other people? Could we trust each other to be faithful?

We decided we liked one another enough to see where it would go. The distance was a curse and a blessing. We actually had to talk to each other, pretty crazy right! After that first semester of college he and I realized that we meant so much to each other. A couple of month later we realized that it wasn’t love we were feeling, it was lust. Now we are five months away from being together for three years. The first year was a crazy mess. The last two years have been a perfect, crazy, fun, challenging relationship.

The reason for the change in our relationship is due to our active dating. Going out and planning activities, with different experiences that bring different results. Now as we move towards marriage (we are not currently engaged) we discuss important things such as our up brings and the different habits we have. Over the years we see how our family reacts to our relationship and understand the boundaries we have of our personal lives. Over the years we have become best friends, through honesty and understanding. Mutual honesty is the only way this works.

Hope for the best, expect the worst, don’t be surprised by anything in between.

Going on Dates… Not Hanging Out

This week in my class we discussed dating. When I heard that we shouldn't just hang out, I agreed but thought of my own relationship and how for so long we were failing at this… My boyfriend and I started dating when we were in high school, unfortunately my family was not supportive which made dating virtually impossible. For about a year we “hung out” at my house where we could be under constant surveillance. At the time I didn’t mind, I was able to be around him and that was all that mattered to me. We spent time together and learned a lot of the simple things, family history, friends, school, goals etc. I thought I knew him like the back of my hand. Well I was wrong, I didn’t know him. I didn’t know his personality. About a little past our two-year anniversary I was back home for my winter break, at this point we had gone out on a few dates here and there but it was never a planned thing. Well Valentines Day was coming up and we decided to split up the day. He would plan the afternoon date and I would plan the evening date. It was the sweetest thing. In the afternoon we went to our local donut shop, then went to the grocery store and picked up a loaf of bread then we went to the park and fed the ducks. We then went to our own homes and got ready for our dinner date. I made a traditional Mexican candle lit dinner and we then went to the movies. It was a great night. We made it a goal to not be on our phones (which usually happened) and just focus on each other. We were able to reconnect and get to know each other in a different way.

Right before I came back to school we went out on a date that was probably the most stressful date I had ever been on. It was my turn to plan the date, so I decided we would do a classic dinner and a show. He had been wanted to see a certain movie that I wasn’t completely interested in, but I knew he would like the gesture, I went ahead and bought the tickets at a theater we don’t normally go too. I told him to be at my house at 6:00pm because the movie would be starting at 6:45pm. I knew I needed to tell him to be there earlier than anticipated because he has a tendency to be late, not his fault just outside forces that cause lateness. Anyway, he didn’t get to my house till 6:45pm. I was so upset. Side note: I don’t like being late... he got to my house in his car all smiles. Which made me even more upset. I explained to him that the movie had already started, and I had bought the tickets early as a surprise. He apologized, and we left. While we were looking for a place to park I was trying to calm down because I didn’t want my temper to interfere with the night. He knew I was still upset and was very distracted, while in the process of trying to make the night better he nearly hit another car. We then parked in a limited time area and went inside. We were able to trade our tickets for a later show luckily, but for floor seats verses the middle section seats I had reserved. At this point we were both trying to make the best of it, but underneath was feeling hurt and frustrated. While watching the movie I was checking my watch constantly, I was so worried we were going to get a ticket. I was paranoid thinking of the worse that could happen. He noticed how anxious I was feeling and said we could leave a little early, we missed the last fifteen minutes. When we went out to the car we realized that we both read the sign wrong and that we still had half an hour before anything could happen. I didn’t want to make this any worse and said we should just go home, he agreed. While on our way home we realized we were so hungry. So, we stopped at diner. While sitting down across from each other we were quiet. Then we both looked up and started to apologize. We felt so bad that we let our frustrations get the best of us. After that we started to joke around and laugh. We learned so much that night. So much about each other and ourselves.

Hanging out and Dating are two very different things. If I hadn’t gone on those dates I couldn’t have seen my true feelings for him and for myself. Hanging around doesn’t provide experiences that bring different emotions and our personalities. I can attest that dating has helped me really get to know my partner and our relationship.