This is probably going to be a very personal blog post so if
you’re not into that whole emotional mushy stuff you most definitely are excused
from reading this.
So, I am a Latina who grew up in Southern California. I was
raised from the age of four to about ten by a single mother. My mother, grandmother,
great grandmother and most everyone else who is female in my family worked. They
had college degrees and careers. I was encouraged to be self-reliant and really
grab the world by the… yeah…. I didn’t really think about getting married or children
it wasn’t really my focus, then again at that age is anyone thinking about
being a wife and mom? After a while I thought about being a mom but not having
a father figure I concluded it wasn’t important and not needed to raise
children. I remember having a conversation with my mom where I told my mom I didn’t
want to get married. I said, “I don’t want to have a husband I just want to
have babies and raise them on my own!” She then asked, with a bit of concern “You
need a husband to raise babies.” I looked at her confused, “But you do it and
you’re really good at it.” She then hugged me tight and didn’t really address it.
At the time I didn’t realize how much that hurt her, but I genuinely thought I
was good without having to deal with boys!
R.E.S.P.E.C.T not
for men….
My mother remarried, and I was being disciplined by a man
that I definitely didn’t respect. From the time that I had that conversation
with my mom about not wanting a boy in my life I thought of all males as stupid
and pretty much useless. I only seemed to notice the negative from the men in
my life. Which hurt the relationship my stepfather so desperately wanted to
have with me. He pushed, and I ran. I thought very little of him, all I knew
was one day I was the center of the universe and the next I wasn’t.
Puberty Hit
I was twelve and I had a crush. Something about that first
love that just makes you spin. I thought he was the best thing on earth, no one
could tell me otherwise. Then he broke my heart, and once again I denounced all
boys! They were back to being stupid and useless. I was convinced that all boys
were the same; mean, manipulative, liars, and just plain evil.
I decided women were the superior sex and then we should be
running the world! I listened to my young women lessons about being a mother
and was still on the fence about the whole idea. It became a thing on my to do list
next to getting my degree and getting a career.
It Happened Again
Then I met someone that could handle all this crazy.
I was sixteen, about to be seventeen. He was a perfect mess,
and I loved it. He was raised by a single mother and was not a fan of his
stepfather (already so much in common).
{Side Note: I have always been the type of person that if I
wanted something bad enough I would make sure I got it.}
I wanted him to be my boyfriend and I was going to make sure
it happened. It did.
Poor thing had no idea what he was getting himself into. Jonathan
is probably the perfect opposite of me. We have enough in common that we won’t
kill each other but we have the respect that we need to understand each other
when we don’t agree. I started to see myself as the little perfect wife.
I graduated high school and went to college while he stayed
in California to finish his last year of high school. Everything was going well
then, I had a class in my Introduction to Child Development class that knocked on
the reality door of my mind. We talked about the benefits of having mom at home
to raise children. The whole time I thought “How dare they assume you can’t be
successful without having mom at home! I was fine! Sure, it was hard… sure I
wish I could have seen mom more often… sure I was a little behind academically…and…Holy
cow…” I left that class feeling defeated. Here I was at a university, trying to
get a degree so I could build my career. Children were part of my plan but not
anytime soon! At least another ten years! I could wait as long as was needed to
make sure everything was ‘ready’.
Don't Tell Me What to Do!
I called my love and expressed my frustration. He pretty
much assumed I would have a career and that children would be on the back
burner till we were ready financially and when I could physically handle it (I
have a chronic illness). We left the conversation because I had another class. I
didn’t like that he assumed what my role in his future would be. “No one tells
me what to do! If I want a bunch of kids and I just want to stay home and raise
them, then I’m going to do it, and no one is going to stop me!” I clearly have
a problem with direction, especially from men.
I went to my religion class and we went over The Family: A Proclamation to the World. (***If you haven’t read it I highly recommend)
It was all laid out for me, not only were psychologist and
development analyst saying the best thing for children is to have mom at home,
but God was saying it’s best!
I was so frustrated. I didn’t want to drop my plans of a
career. I didn’t want to be the little wife that follows her husband blindly.
That is not me!
Grandma Knows...
I prayed. Then called my grandma, who is pretty much my
family best friend. We talked it over and she laughed at me for saying being a
mom is stupid and I shouldn’t be forced to do it. She listened and then calmly
shared her perspective.
“I loved being a mom.
The best years of my life were when I got to stay home and share all those
experiences with my children. It was hard but oh so rewarding.” She paused, “It
was hard to get pregnant, your grandfather was very sick, and it wasn’t expected
that we would be able to have children. When we had your mom, we were so happy.
Then we had your uncle and quickly after your grandfather’s doctor said he
could no longer have children. It was a miracle. When your grandfather passed
away I had to go back to work… If I could have I would have stayed home longer
to be with my children and not miss a moment, because moments never last.”
I left that conversation in tears. Something inside me said
not to worry that everything would work out in the end. Slowly over time and
mostly with my diligence in listening to Heavenly Father and so much prayer
(seriously a ton) I found respect for men. Seeing that they are definitely not all
the same! I am still pretty much a ball of fire that gets what they want because
they work to get it. Still no one tells me what to do, but I listen to see what
they need.
Not All Bad
It’s true, I came a long way from that “Boys are dumb, I don’t
need a man” mentality. Yes, some boys can be dumb… but girls can be dumb too!
My perspective of male and female roles has changed tremendously. It’s a team
effort. My dad is a stay at home dad and my mom works full time, however they
work hard to balance each other. It works for them and maybe someday it will
change. Ultimately yes there is ‘the best way’ but as long as your children have
what they need for every part of their development… you can only do so much.
Being a mom is wonderful and I am so excited to see how everything turns out for me. For now I am still working on my degree and we will just have to see where life takes me.
